25 November 2013

"We can't freeze someone in time"

"I wrote about how he entered with a slight scar above his lip from an accident skiing, and how he entered with a wounded heart from a man called Jens; a man he didn't really love, but he was someone there, a late-night-talk-to; we've all had one of them."

all i'd wanted was some help
you could have easily given in your capacity
you understood
you were privy to all my secrets
you knew
but you turned around
and let me drown

i understand


my blog will make you smile♡

24 November 2013

Its the way we feel / yeah this is real

Sometimes I wish people were more like documents
then they'd all be written in black and white
you either love me or you dont
you either want me or you dont
you either walk away or you stay
but we're all always stuck in the in-betweens
like gray areas

it gets pretty tiring, these second-guesses and uncertainties

"you won't find faith or hope down a telescope
you won't find heart and soul in the stars
you can break everything down to chemicals
but you can't explain a love like ours

it's the way we feel, yeah this is real"

falling through feathers

"'I knew you'd come back to me,' I said, and I crouched and went towards him but he immediately recoiled. I suddenly understood. This was the agreement, the same one my brother had made: I am here but I am not yours; and the rabbit hopped towards the forest and disappeared as quickly as an uninterrupted dream."

"I found the guy that loves me for my personality, and not just my body. I found the guy who loves the idea of spending a Friday night in with me, watching movies. I found the guy who accepts the fact that I have “my days” and that I’m completely insecure at times. I found the guy that will buy me something just because he was thinking about me. I found the guy that will be my best friend and my boyfriend, who knows all my secrets, inside and out, and still loves me more than I know."
[Sometimes even I can't decide if I truly wish to undo everything we once had.]

21 November 2013

Trying to find the in-betweens

[All-time favorite scene from 17 Again, with perfect background music by Cat Power.]

[It is what it is]

How could I forget the day we discovered "anodyne"?

[I place a very strong belief in notions relating to kismet, fate, destiny etc. I also believe in the idea of a "soul mate" and I believe even more that we will all eventually meet one, and even several. This person will be someone we can connect with on levels of unimaginable depth.]

"You were there for me for so long making me laugh while I was in tears. I will never let anyone take your place, cause you’re the best friend I’ve got. You laugh at my stupid jokes, put up with my worst moods, go along with my crazy ideas and you still manage to see the best in me."

"I know there are times when I’m actually hard to be with. You fall in love with someone who has so many problems and I just want to say thank you for being there for me despite reasons not to. I have a lot of flaws that could have pushed you away, but you’re still there, trying to keep me."
[Thank you]

I was just thinking about how love is really a lot like drugs. They're detrimental to you and yet they bring you a kind of high nothing else can. And when you try to kick the addiction you've to go cold turkey and cold turkey brings out all the withdrawal symptoms and these things hurt like hell. And if you're lucky you make it out alive. I guess we aren't all always that lucky.

19 November 2013

"You were my missing piece; my complement in play."

It's funny
some days I feel extra ordinary
some days I feel extraordinary
for very much just a matter of spacing
that is quite a very big difference.

"She let me drown."

little snippets:
"No amount of self-sufficiency could dispel the craving he still felt for that person we no longer talked about; that person who'd taken him apart and left a piece missing that none of us could find."

"His life meant more to me than anything, and now his death did, for it left an anguished hole impossible to fill."

"'He came back to you,' my brother said as I lay across my bed in the darkness. There was a pulse, a faint miraculous pulse, my brother said, that could not be felt before he laid the rabbit in my arms. And as he did, god opened his eyes and his paw brushed across my cheek.
'He came back to say goodbye.'
Then he should have stayed, was all I kept thinking."

<When God Was a Rabbit>

18 November 2013

It's the last chance to feel again

"You cant play on broken strings
You cant feel anything
that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
The truth hurts
a lie's worse
how can i give any more
when i love you a little less
than before
It's like chasing the very last train
when we both know
it's too late"

"I get lonely too."

Unfortunately i'm the kind of Damaged even I'd tell my children to shun and not get involved with. It takes too much.

17 November 2013

"Help me help myself!"

Into my world
I let you in
Then you became
my world
But when you left
you took both your world
and my world
and im confused
because arent they the same?
Or are they?
but i know
at the end of the day
im left with nothing,

And i'm not giving up, just giving in.

What's up
Oh nothing just me kinda sure I might actually possibly like you (in every romantic sense of the word)

What is love?

Me: Putting the adapter next to my sleeping cat when i'm charging my laptop on a rainy day because I know she loves the warmth and oh look there she is fast asleep cuddling the adapter like we would our bolsters.

Cat: Waking up from my deep slumber the moment I hear your voice and detect your scent, just to walk out and say hi to you even if you're away/i'm alone at home most of the time. Love is bearing no grudges and giving all you have, even if it is not always mutual.

Dad: Rubbing ointment on my daughter's foot when it hurts.

Just me putting myself in their shoes and walking in them.

14 November 2013

And all we know is touch and go

You were rain
acid rain
fluid and penetrative
I was granite
solid and impenetrable
A deluge of Sulfur droplets
you washed me awake
in your wake
You corroded me
layer by layer
flesh, skin, bone

13 November 2013

I want to hold you high and steal your pain away

Should my mind be a glass ball of memories
I'd hold it tight, throw it right with all my might
into a wall
to watch it disintegrate into broken pieces of memories
and the ball shall never be whole again
just to have it bounce right back at me
like plastic
unbreakable plastic
and my heart shall never be whole again.

09 November 2013

If you want a bit of love, put your head on my shoulders

Maybe I just need you to come sit with me in this corner, and you could watch me cry. I'd cry and tell you all about the things that make and made me sad. Then maybe you could take my head and press it (gently, yet forcefully) against your chest/shoulders and i'd take a lot more of you in in exchange for these little broken pieces of me.
Breathe you in, breathe me out.
Breathe you in, breathe me out.
Breathe you in, breathe me out.

We'll watch things on the VCR

"Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it’s the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you learn better. But, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved; a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget, and that night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth, and everything you thought love would be. Everything that was proven wrong."
One of the best things i've read on First Loves; this is both heartbreaking and reaffirming.

[Every day]

[At one point in time, I really did]

08 November 2013

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

Today I had one of those "perfect moments". I was just crossing the road and i was standing on that erected strip of cement (the one that separates both sides of the road) when suddenly I saw an old friend. The sun was glistening and I called out his name and that moment of instantaneous recognition was amazing. And there we were in the middle of busy roads, saying hi and greeting each other with a long-time-no-see hug. It was a beautiful moment. Then I crossed over to the other side of the road with him (even when I was actually headed the other direction) and we had a short catch-up and it was really just small chit-chat but we were both trying to find the right words and things to talk about, all in the name of preserving that moment. So after about 3 minutes of chit-chat we parted ways, this time with a i'll-see-you-around-soon hug. Funny how hugs can convey so many different meanings in so many different contexts. And about 5 minutes following our parting I was standing alone when I caught a whiff of something...sweet. I sniffed about a bit more and I realized it was coming from my hair. I caught a whiff of you through my hair. Apparently with our little hugs some of his smell had rubbed off me and it was really nice, because it smelled really good. First of all he smelled the same as before, which signifies this: certain things really don't change. And this smell flashed my mind back to the days where we used to hang around together, the little moments where I'd compliment him on smelling so good. Good old friends, good old times. Amazing how a little scent can bring back so many memories and feelings.

There are lots of things i've done i fervently wish to undo; there are lots of things i've done i wish i could re-do and relive. Sometimes i wish i could go back to the same place and do it all over again...but sometimes going back to the same place means nothing when the people are no longer the same, anyway.