16 March 2015

the problem

The problem with this world is there is almost no definitive right or wrong and everything is basically subjective.

15 March 2015

this is what it's like

It's very difficult being very needy, very clingy, very overly-dependent on someone. It's even more difficult to understand why would someone be this way. Sometimes I try to mentally break it down to myself to understand why but it feels like it is just so, in the way that i am. It becomes really damaging and terrifying because people start to lose themselves in a relationship. If I'm to describe what it feels like to be clingy, i'd say it's a lot like being a cling wrap. You'll start wrapping yourself so tightly over that person, layer over layer. But you'll poke two holes for him to breathe, just enough for him to stay alive just so you can suffocate him further. And this is where it gets hard, because while you're being clingy and needy, you're also conscious at the same time. You know you're smothering someone but you just can't seem to do anything about it. You become quite torn, between what's wrong and right. And somehow when you're wrapped so tightly around someone you can't quite tell what's wrong or right anymore, either. And because you can't tell, it just becomes so that being needy becomes the only thing to do. It's not even an in-between anymore. It gets harder when you can literally see the person eroding slowly, disintegrating. They start becoming someone else and it's all because of you. Basically they lose their selves but it doesn't help you find yours either. You only start to lose more of yourself too as you become even more immersed in needing them. I guess they begin to crack and these crevices only grow wider, but it only grows wider for you to fill even more of yourself in. And that's how people start to feel that their significant other is becoming a part of them, or even them, and all of this is at the expense of the other losing him or herself. Maybe it's not always a good thing to feel like someone's your other half, because that's exactly what they become: your other half. Then comes the question: do their selves even exist anymore? If they only grow to become more and more of you, and less and less of them, who exactly are you loving? 

Needing someone also becomes a kind of double addiction. You don't only get addicted to someone, you also grow addicted to needing them. It's very crazy. It involves a lot of physicality and proximity and you basically want them around your entire life, the entire time. It's even extremely self-absorbed and selfish, it's honestly terrifying while highly destructive for both parties. You keep wanting more and you keep taking more and it's very exhausting and daunting. You start to feel really guilty as well yet you can't stop doing it. You can't simply stop. It's emotional, it's personal, it's spiritual, it's psychological, it's...so many things. And as much as you'll grow to hate it, it just is so, anyway. It's honestly pathological and unhealthy, but I couldn't imagine myself healthy either. I don't even know what's healthy anymore, anyway. I don't even know if i want to be healthy again. Self-help is the worst kind of help. Sometimes it even becomes a form of reinforcement in itself.

I only wish I could stop.